Messed up

How is this thing… That you’re both ok and you’re not. You think you know what’s going on in your head and then after only a second you have no idea and your mind travels in places that should have never travel, breaks down a wall you have built and memories consume you. And in the next second you are fine again. Like none of the previous has happened. 

There are times when I feel like everything is changing. These are the times when he wakes up. When all is about him. Every little things reminds me of him. And when I try to take him out of my mind even more odd things happen. I’ll find a picture, I’ll listen to a song he had dedicated it to me. Yeah fate it’s ok, you are allowed to have fun too. It’s a time when all my senses get more and more strong, when everything seems to be more intense.

This goes away eventually. The part of me that belongs to him calms again. Becomes inactive. Until all of this happens all over again. I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know if I want to stop it. I even have promised that I wouldn’t write about him again. This phenomeno used to be rare. Lately it’s more and more often. I don’t know how to fight it or how to control it.

How can I fight something that is entirely mine? How can I erase something that I am unable to forget? Because it’s who I am now. The person I am is because of him. It’s because of how he loved me and how he hurt me and how he left me.

Hate. You can’t hate some you have loved too much because you ‘re only gonna end up loving him more. That’s what we used to say.

…It’s sad how someone we know becomes someone we knew.

I’m not a stranger… No I am yours…

Thoughts…

Circle: Life, love, death. And again from the begining: Life, love… Circles get involved with each other, connected, tied, become chain. The story of people on earth. Glowing jems in those precious rings: everyone’s most important moments. Moments of laugh and sorrow, of agony and redemption, of knowledge and decision… And above all, beyond all, in all: love that stimulates and brings peace, that enforces and obeys, that forgives but remembers everything, love that makes people complete and offer them fellowship, that gives birth and creates, love that endures…

Image

Only for one eternity.

 

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I’m afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What’s standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

Some minutes ago a friend shared this song with me. I heard it and you know… Only one person came in my mind. During the whole time I was listening to this song I could only think of one person. One and only person. This is the last post I’m writing about him… Not because my feelings will change. Not because I’ll forget or something like this. It’s just that I need to stop running to the past. Because unfortunately … He is past. And even if he doesn’t understand it I feel I’m holding him somehow. So I need to let him go too…

So… For one last time… My feelings for him will be told. It was fate’s game I met him… Or fate’s plan? I’ll never learn. I’ll never know If I was supposed to love him all the way from the start or it just happened during the time with him. He came so suddenly. And changed everything. My life was brought upside down. It was… unique. Something that has never happened to me before and has never happened to me since. It’s like ruling the world when you love and you are loved to the point I was. I won’t say everything was perfect. But having such a person so close to me, together connected soul and mind, trying both make something amazing for us… I believe there isn’t a best thing. And I was happy. With him by my side, even in the most sad and difficult moments I wasn’t scared. I had him. I didn’t need anything else. Honestly, it was enough. More than enough. It was completing me to a way none did ever before. At some weak and insecure moments at present I sit and think if he felt the same I did. Maybe I believe I was special but I could be one like all the rest. But then I remember. I remember that the love I received was true. Was unique. Was special. Was beautiful.

So, nothing was fake. It looked like a dream… It felt like a dream. But it was reality. The best reality. I cried. And I was hurt a lot. But I don’t mind. I don’t care about these moments. They made our bond so strong. And it was not me and him. It was WE. It was one person, one heart, one soul.

I know what happiness tastes like… I know what love is… And I know them because of him… And I don’t regret anything. Now I am the person I am because of everything that happened. And I’m not regretting anything. Never. Ever.

I just loved you for a thousand years… & I’ll love you for a thousand more. Without any second thought. You were the one. My soulmate.

I’ve met happiness thanks to you.

And if I’ll meet it again, be sure I’ll never let it go, the way I let go of you.

I love you.

Our story has reached the end long time now but I was trying make a way for it to last more. But this was my mistake. There aren’t many more things to say, are they..? In a while there will be none.

I know deep inside of you everything we lived remains alive. I know it. I know it because I know you. And I’m happy for it.

Please… Take care of yourself. Don’t be as reckless as always sweety… Be happy. Love. Live. Be crazy. Be your best self. Always. I love you.

I loved you for a thousand years. I’ll love you for a thousand more…

The End…

 

Letter to love…

Hi stranger… It’s night… And I’m alone. Alone and thinking of you. How are you? Are you awake? Or are you asleep? If you are asleep, are you dreaming? And if you are dreaming… Is it her? If you are sleeping, do you hold her in your arms? If you are awake… What do you do? You could still be in bed. You might be preparing to go to work. You might be having a shower. You might sit and watch tv or read the morning news in the newspaper. No matter what you are doing though, there’s one place you always are. My heart. My soul. My mind. I’ve kept everything alive. The words you said to me, the actions you did, the times I cried, the times I hurt you. All these… While you were here. And… When you weren’t here… I kept all my tears, I kept all the feelings, I kept all the times I wanted to scream to you “I need you, come back!”. I didn’t tell them. I couldn’t tell them. Those words… I haven’t forgiven myself. You should know this. My mistakes haunt me. I know it’s bad. I know it’s been a long time and that I should forget this… I should keep all the good things. But I don’t want. I can’t help it but suffering inside. I remember all the songs you dedicated it to me. I remember everything I said to you. I remember the promise I gave you. I love you. You know this don’t you? I hope you do. I hope you haven’t forgotten it. Even if we are strangers now… I hope you haven’t forgotten it… I remember how I lost you. The words you said. Trust me… I remember all. Like it happened now, only some seconds ago. Gods… So many mistakes… The one after the other. But the result one. Me, alone. Always. When you touch perfection, all the rest seem… Just not good enough. But us people are stupid. We have the perfect and throw it away. I wish I hadn’t hurt you… Never. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t want it. But I wasn’t the one controlling myself. And now it’s too late. I know. Trust me I do. You said… You’d be here. If I need you… I know it’s the truth. You didn’t lie to me. I just can’t… I can’t tell you how much I need you. I need you, my sun, to come back in my life and to brighten it. I’ve given up. Without even trying I know. But… I can’t interfere in your life anymore and annoy you. I’m ashamed. So ashamed. I wanna scream to you. Tell you to come back, back in my life. My friends tell me that I must say how I feel. But I can’t. But you loved me so much you let me go. No matter how much it hurt. And now that I know that you are happy… You think I can get into that? No, I can’t. You won’t even see this ever. But I have to say them… I know you’ll think I’m a hypocrite. But I’m not. My heart is so cold now. I’m feeling nothing. I sometimes seem happy, I sometimes seem down, I sometimes seem cheerful, sometimes I seem ok. But the truth is I feel nothing. A friend told me “People that love us don’t search for a reason why. They are next to us even if we choose to hurt them with the worst way. If he really loved you he will be there. None left you… They just chose something else. Just like you. The fact that someone chooses something else doesn’t mean he is leaving you alone. You are not alone. You’ll never be. No matter how much you hurt him you didn’t do it on purpose. You did what you felt. Since when our feelings are a mistake? Since when!? What we feel is right because we feel it. Since when we became supernumaries in our own lifes? We are and we will be the protagonists. Don’t be afraid. Don’t be a coward. God doesn’t help the ones who don’t want to live in fear of a supposed rejection or failure…”  I know I need you. I’m not afraid of a rejection or a failure. I just don’t want to ruin your life. That friend of mine says I won’t disturb your life. But… I mustn’t. I want you here. My heart craves for your love… My all wants to sense again all the feelings that only you had given me. And all the feelings that no one else will manage give me. For me… You are my soulmate. But right now, my mind… No matter how much it hurts my mind chooses not to annoy you in your life. I’m dying… I’m dying that we are strangers. Another friend of mine said something beautiful… “How do people become lost trains…” These from me my life’s love… I’ll be here if you ever need me. You know this. I love you. And I can’t forget you. I never will do so. Be happy. Please be happy. You owe it to yourself.

Good day… Stranger…

Hitori ~ Alone [Mika Nakashima]

 

Lyrics

紅く染まる街で
影を舗道に
描いたふたりは
何処に行ったの?

そっと過ぎ去ってく
季節のなか
残された
僕だけ…

素直に
弱さを見せる
ことさえ
できずにいた
不器用な
愛だった

もう一度あのときの
ふたりに戻れるのならば
迷わずに君のこと
抱きしめ
離さない

黒く染まる夜は
膝を抱えて
君といた日を
思い返すよ

きっと幼すぎて
見えずにいた
愛と云う名の
意味

あのとき
胸に積もった
幾重の
想い出さえ
音もなく
溶けてゆく

もう一度あの夜に
いますぐ戻れるのならば
去ってゆく君の背を
抱きしめ
引きとめよう…

勝手なことだと
百も承知の上だよ
すぐじゃなくていい
僕はひとりで待ち続ける

君といた想い出に
寄り添いながら生きている
情けない僕だけど
今でも
忘れられない

もう一度あのときの
ふたりに戻れるのならば
迷わずに君のこと
抱きしめ
離さない

Translation

In the crimson-dyed town…
The couple who etched their shadows in the sidewalk – where did they go?

In the softly passing seasons,
Only I remain.

Unable to even show my weakness honestly…
It was an awkward romance.

Just once more, if we could return,
Back to that time together,
Without hesitating, I would hold you close,
And never let go.

In the black-stained night, I sit hugging my knees.
And think back on the days when I was with you…

I was surely too immature – I couldn’t see
The meaning of “love.”

Even the thickly-layered memories that piled up in my heart then.
Come loose and melt away without a sound…

Just once more, if I could return,
Right now to that night,
I’d hold tight to your back as you walked away,
And keep you here.

If you want things your own way,
I’ll forgive you a hundred different things.
It doesn’t have to be soon – 
I’ll continue waiting here alone

I live clinging to the memorie,
Of when I was with you.
I know I’m pitiful, but…
Even now…
I can’t forget…

Just once more, if we could return,
Back to that time together,
Without hesitating, I would hold you close.
And never let go…

[Translation not mine]

New Story ~ Chapter 1

[All persons are existing outside my story’s world as well. I’d like to apologise in advance if your character in here and your character in real life have nothing to do with one another. I probably don’t know you very well. But your presence here is needed. ]

January, 2010

She opened her balcony door and got out of her room. The air seemed to be becoming less and less in there and she needed her mind to clear from all those irrational thoughts. She brought with every detail the discussion she had with Gabriel, her boyfriend, earlier this evening, when they went out for a walk. The conversation had taken a strange path. After one year and a half he had asked her what her ideal type of guy was. Ella laughed. She told him that she liked mysterious and smart guys, the ones that would be difficult to conquer. With a playful expression he asked her what she was doing with him and said that she should be with Sean. She didn’t understand why he said that. It sounded too serious to her and she felt uncomfortable. But she didn’t let it show and she poken her tongue out to him. They continued teasing each other like this until she needed to go home. Gabriel could stay out as much as he wanted. He was 26 after all and she was only a high school girl, so she should return home early.

And now, under a dark sky without moon and stars she thought of those again.

Sean is Gabriel’s best friend. She was never too close to him. To be honest she was a little afraid of him. Since he had met him he was going through a phase. Her boyfriend told her it was result of a relatioship and that he also hadn’t always been like this. She also had heard from him again, that he didn’t used to care about anything and that he was the strongest person in his company. She hadn’t really talked with him so many times. Only recently, because one of her closest friends liked him, she was trying to connect those 2 and her efforts were somehow successful until then.

“My type…” , she thought. Indeed, apparently, he appeared like he was. That same moment one ‘what if’ was born in her mind. She sent it away quickly and rushed into her room to grab her mobile phone in her hands and call Gabriel. She needed to listen to his voice. She knew that he would probably be busy but even then she called. Despite her suspissions she got lucky. He had stopped rehearsal to light a cigarette when she called. His voice had the effect she hoped for. In just some minutes all the doubts in her mind stopped existing. That was her boyfriend. The man who made her happy, her sun, whose warmth and love made her feel like flying in heaven every single moment they talked. He was the one who knew her best. The one who understood her best. Him, and none else. She wasn’t in love with Sean. With that decision she took a book with poems from her library – her latest purchase – and laid to read it, while she was waiting from Gab to text.

1…2…3…

and they begun to play the song Sean had composed for his ex girlfriend. He was looking depressed, as always the last months. He felt glad but sad as well when the song ended. First to leave his place was Gabriel.

– Oh people. It went 2 am. We are really lucky there aren’t any neighbours otherwise someone would have called the police.

Nick turned and looked at him with his slightly ironic smile, so familiar to his friends.

-Exaggerating, as usual, he said calmly and put his guitar down.

Yeah, he was indeed. But he had promised Ella to text send her but he didn’t because rehearsal took really long to end. He checked his mob and saw that there wasn’t any message. He laughed secretly. It must have been really hard for her not to send. No matter how calm her behaviour usually was, she was getting easily apprehensive when he was disappearing for so long time. He typed: Baby, just finished rehearsal. Sorry, was late. Are you alright?

Then he put his mobile down again and went to help Alex to gather their equipment. Sean and Nick were sitting on the table in the corner, chatting about what improvements they could do in their last song.

Ren approached them with a face full of wonder.

– Are you guys sane? Let’s help the others clean up and get out of here. We need sleep you know. We can all talk about all these tomorrow.

– Agree, come and lend us a hand to leave as soon as possible. Right Gab? Yo, Gab!

– Hm? Sorry guys I’m kinda out.

– What’s goin on? Sean asked.

– Ella ain’t answering. Wonder if she got angry with me not sending.

– Whatever. Each one with our fucking problems. Either way I agree Ren, Nick said and all started to clean up the place to leave.

The next morning…

– What the hell…

Ella streched and rubbed her eyes. Automatically her hand went under the bed, where she always kept her mobile when laid. She felt it vibrating. And then she woke up completely.

– Ah! Gabriel!! she said and answered the phone.

– Ella!! Good morning!! Did you wake up?

– Mum? What time is it?

– 6:30 am. You told me to wake you up early so that you could shower, you forgot it already?

– No, thanks. Good morning mum.

– Have a good day at school.

– Good day at work.

Click. So she had slept till morning. She checked her phone for carefully. 2 missed calls and 3 messages, all from her boyfriend. She sent him “I’m sorry sweety. I slept last night without even realising it. Hope your rehearsal was ok. Text me when you wake up. I love you! :-* “. And then she went to shower. When out she got dressed, checked if all of her books were in the bag and left for the bus stop. After some minutes…

– Hey! Morning! she greeted her friends who were already waiting in the bus stop.

– How are you doin girl?

– All cool. How about you? Did you study for the test?

– Yeah a little. But… Damn! It’s so unfair they are putting us a test one week right after the Christmas holidays.

– Haha yeah but could you figure out a better way for us to get serious and realise that vacation are unfortunately over?

– Meeh!

– Bus is here!

After an almost 40 minutes ride they reached at school. Ella got off the with her eyes having a very sad view and her being too silent. The weather was moody. It was cloudy and it appeared like it was going to rain. She enjoyed the rain. But not now… Now it was reminding her of Sean and all her silly thoughts about him last night.

Although now she wouldn’t be able call Gab and hear his voice to calm down. She had to fight it herself. But she couldn’t. Her mind kept going to the first time she met him and then to her boy’s words about him. Deep lost in her thoughts she didnt listen to the bell ringing.

– Hey! ELLA! Get your ass over here! Have you forgotten we got Algebra with the headmaster now?

These words were enough to stop thinking and run upstairs.

3 hours later…

Gabriel opened his eyes and streched. He took a look around and saw his buddies that were sleeping in floor and sofa and next to him in the bed was Sean. It was a bad night for his poor friend again. He was crying for hours until he finally manages to fall asleep.

He checked his watch.

– Damn. Midday. I wonder if she has a break now. Let’s see.

He checked his mobile and found her message. ‘Hmm… That’s how it’s explained that she didn’t bombard me with messages last night. She was sleeping. My cuttie…’ he thought and took one more glance at the cell phone’s screen. She was so openly showing her love and that was making him very happy. She was completely dedicated to him and it was first time he had felt something like it and that was surprising even to himself.

“Babe, just woke up. What’s up?”

He waited some minutes for her answer but nothing came so he decided to stand up. He walked with unstable steps to kitchen and he put some water to boil for his coffee. Then with a slightly more secure pace he went to bathroom. He washed his face and then went back to the living room.

– Guys! Wake up! Oiii!

– Shut up!

– Damn, what the hell do you want?

– WAKE UP, he screamed and started splashing them.

Nick had already stood up and was looking at him with his common carefree look.

– Stop splashing and I’ll give you your mobile. You got sms! he said and smirked.

– Oh you!

The 5 friends had all woken up now and were chasing each other inside the house.

– Come guys! Give me the mobile! The break will finish!

Nick laughed and throwed the mobile at him.

“Sweety, I was having a test when I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket. Haha luckily none noticed.. I’m alright. Missed you. I have english lesson now so I can talk.”

“Cool! Hehe missed you too. How was test?”

“Boring. Haha geometry teacher always gives us specific stuff to study and puts those on tests. How was rehearsal last night?”

“Was nice. As always. We played the new song that Sean wrote. It was awesome. That guy has it. ;)”

“Can’t wait to listen!! hihi”

“Well… I’ve been thinking to ask you about it. Wanna come at rehearsal tonight?”

“Really? Can I?”

“Well I gotta ask the guys first but I don’t this will be a problem.”

“Ask them please! I’d love to come!”

“They are still here. They stayed at my place last night.”

“Ohh niiiiiiice! Say hi to all!”

– Yo boys. You all got greeting from Ella.

– Hi back man, said Alex and poked out his tongue.

– Buddy say it. I can see it in your face you wanna ask something, Sean told him.

– Well, yeah. Can she come tonight at rehearsal?

– Fine with me.

– Yeah it’s ok with us too.

– So I can tell her come?

– Yeah man. Want me tell her myself? Haha

Ren took the phone from the table where Gab had left it and texted Ella.

“Hiya, Ren here. You can come at rehearsal tonight. Ticket is one beer for each. I’ll see ya there! xD”

– Haha whatcha doin man?

– Oh don’t bother. Let’s all get the hell out of here to go prepare. We start at 8 pm. I hope at least.

The rest laughed and left.Vibration.

“Yay! Thanks for letting me come!”

“Baby, want me come pick you up?”

“No, I’ll come on my own. Luckily it’s Friday today so I can stay out little later than usual hihi.”

“We have rehearsal at 8. I’ll see you there.”

“Ok sweetheart. I can’t talk more now. Difficult teacher. I’ll send you when home. And… psit… Think of me😉 ”

“I will…”

– Girls! Help!

– What?

– Gabriel.

– Oh shit! Did you break up?

– No! Bite your tongue!

– Oh, you sounded desperate, that’s why.

– Haha noooo!  He invited me to go see their rehearsal. So I need to cover me  for tonight because I might be late in going home. Pleaseeeeee!

– Ok love don’t worry. So… I think we can have DVD night at my place right?, her friend said and blinked to other girl of the company.

– Yeah… We could watch all SAW for example.

– Hahaha don’t be getting creepy girls! , Ella argued.

– How about all Lord of the Rings?

– Even creepier. I think I’ll stick with the SAW.

– I knew you’d agreed! Hahahaahahahahhahaha

– Hahaha I love you girls.

– That’s what we exist for sweety hehe.

3 hours later…

– I’m home. Mum!! Are you here?

‘None at home’ , she thought. She turned on the boiler and went into her room to she what she was going to wear tonight. She had ended up in wearing some black jeans and her favourite blouse, when she heard keys on the door.

– Ella! Come to help me please!

She was her mum coming in and she was holding as usual much more things that a person can pick up without danger of dropping them all. She rushed to take from her hands the food she had probably cooked at shop and left it in kitchen.

– Welcome home mom.

– Thanks sweety, she said and kissed her in cheek. I’ll go take a shower. Can you prepare salad?

– Ok.

In a while they were eating and she was looking for a way to tell her about tonight.

– Mom…

– Hm?

– We were thinking with the girls to watch movies tonight.

– Ok.

– Can I go?

– Sure, just make sure you won’t be late.

– Ahm… I might be a little because we were thinking to watch all SAW. It’s around 5 movies.

– The latest you are allowed to return is at 2 am. And this is a big favour. Just so you know, I’m only letting you because you’ll be inside a house. And don’t you dare not answer my calls ok?

– Yes mom. Thanks!

After lunch she sent 2 messages.

“Hey! Mom let me!😀 We are watching all SAW hehe”

“Baby, I’ll come hihi. Mom gave permission. I’ll see you there!”

New Story ~ Intro

Can you really do something when everyone is against you?  People, facts, life, fate? How can you keep moving like this? And do what you want? Sometimes I’m thinking… What if I hadn’t…   done what? You might wonder. It’s not something that basically concerns you, to be honest. You’ll just need to know that it’s something that change my life. I’ll tell you my story soon. You will probably think it’s boring, but if you follow it closely you’ll see it’s weird. What was I saying? Oh yes. About what happens when your life becomes full of obstacles. I’ll consider unimportant the ones I mentioned before and focus on the greatest enemy a man can ever have. Himself. Apparently, I was the biggest problem to me, when I didn’t act with logic. But sometimes I’m just too stubborn and selfish no to do as I wish.

Something tells me that this prologue is becoming too big, so I’d better start. I’d like to mention one last thing. This is a story I’ve never told before. Hmm… If you are my friend I see why you are surprised here. But wait… I didn’t even start yet. I’ll bring my fairytale away from where it originally took place. So don’t feel like something isn’t goin right.

I wish you patience, already…